Which means they’re unlikely to be on a goth-specific dating site, which is what I believe this question is about

But the more relevant question for the OP’s purposes is what percent of people his age are that type. Much closer to 0% than 1%. Don’t make that your main criterion.

This doesn’t make any sense. Lots of people in the 80’s were listening to The Damned, Christian Death, Bauhaus, &c., seeing as how that’s when those bands were making records and touring. Lots of those people were women who are now around 40. However, I don’t know that many women of their age who would ever label themselves “goth”, even if they still dress in black and go see Mark Ryden shows.

I don’t understand. First you say that what I said doesn’t make sense, then you explain why what I said does make sense. That is, of course there are people in the OP’s age range who were listening to similar kinds of music when they were younger . They might still have an affinity with that music now. But he just gave musical tastes as background context for wanting “goth” types.

Again, these are all generalizations and back-of-the-envelope statistics. Are there die-hard goths in their 40s? I’m sure there are. But have the vast majority of the kids I knew in high school who were into goth culture settled down into a more-or-less mainstream existence, even if they still have a countercultural personality (which might appeal to the OP) and some of the same music in their iPods? I bet they have.

It’s like the difference between people who loved “hippie” music when they were teenagers in the ’60s and still have an attachment to that music (many, many people) and 60-year-olds who are still literal, overt “hippies” (very few)

And to be clear, I’m not saying that his musical taste is so incredibly unusual that he’s unlikely to find women who share it. I mean, one of his examples was Nirvana — a fairly popular band! posted by Jaltcoh at AM on

1. Do you go to goth or industrial clubs? That’s a much easier way to meet people in the subculture than to date online. Your age may or may not be a problem depending on what your local scene is like, but where I live (Vancouver) there is a whole age range and a lot of people in their 30’s and 40’s.

2. A lot of people who do have the same taste as you won’t identify as goth because of all the embarrassing things the label entails.

3. You can date someone with different taste in books and music than you. Plus, a lot of the bands you mentioned (Nirvana, Metallica etc.) are mainstream enough even for blonde sports girls to like. Give them a chance and open yourself to different kinds of people. Even “normal” people can enjoy morbid jokes.

4. Get over yourself. You’re probably not as full of “misery and darkness” as you think you are. No matter what your style or taste, being obsessed with how different and daaark you are will make you come across as a pretentious twit. posted by vanitas at AM on [3 favorites]

I am a clove-smoking black-wearing Bauhaus fan but I would rather have a root canal than join a goth dating site or something like Vampirefreaks

Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers! Some very interesting points. It’s going to take me a while to read and assimilate it all, but I do appreciate it!

To clarify one thing: I’m not trying to disparage the “laid back,” “go with the flow” girls. I have nothing but respect for them. It’s just that I don’t know how to make them l